Meet the Crew

The True Crew, Toledo Zoo summer 2021 photo credit to Jordan Birdsall

As I am new to this, please bear with me, I am sure I will get better each time and the content of both my blog and podcast will get better. I spend about 99% of my time wearing my mother of 5 hat, therefore, much of (not ALL, I am human and have other things to discuss) my life and content will be based on my children, chaos, and general life, as seen in my world. So, I feel it is important to introduce you to my crew, a.k.a. the kiddos.

The reason for my existence, I am very certain, was to bring these amazing humans into the world. Parenthood is the scariest hood you’ll ever live in; adulthood is the hardest. I have been a mother over 14 years now and I don’t care who you are, we are all imperfect parents. You heard me, ALL imperfect. I know too well everyone wants to do the “right” thing when parenting, but we need to remember that not everyone does the same thing, the same way, and if it is “right” for them it doesn’t mean it is “right” for you. So, if you can relate to my crazy parenting, great, if not, opinions are like assholes, everybody’s got one and they all stink.

I became a parent at 18. Blah, blah, blah I was too young or whatever, right? but when I am 45 years old living my best life and you are still changing diapers, which one of us will be laughing then (Karen). No, really though, all jokes aside, I was young, and it was hard as hell.

Anyone still in the trenches of toddler raising, bless your heart, because that my friends, is the moment, I realized how difficult this hood was going to be, at this moment your cute little cooing baby became an independent diva that was 2 going on 22. But baaaby, I am here to tell you, you ain’t seen nothing yet. (I use slang and make up words in my writing, it’s called poetic license, get used to it.) Like, I was saying, just wait until they hit the teen years. This is the stage where an evil spirit enters your daughters, and the sandman visits your son, constantly.

Take cover the eve of their 13th birthday, if you’re lucky your children haven’t already been possessed, yet. The next morning, your boys will not wake up, don’t assume they are dead, all though even a megaphone cannot wake him; I have found a squirt gun full of cold water works better than yelling or trying to drag their nearly lifeless body out of the bed. Your girls will wake with claws out and a smartass mouth. Your first instinct will be to punch the body that used to belong to your sweet little girl and has now been possessed by something unnatural, but doing this will not help the situation, (nor does holy water or sage burning, FYI). My advice: cut the Wi-Fi and phone service off (there are apps for both measures). Be careful when taking this measure though because turning off the Wi-Fi can be scary, people you didn’t even know lived in your house, i.e. the son who never wakes, will come out of the woodwork. Be prepared for crying, begging and of course negotiations. My response is simply, “I do not negotiate with terrorist”.

So, these days, I have 2 teenagers, 2 preteens and an elementary schooler. Each child and age group present their own strengths and difficulties. For example: my oldest girl is a freshman in high school, intelligent, tall and beautiful. The difficult part? She thinks bigger means right and it does not, because, girl, I am always right! She also loves boys… remember when they thought boys had cooties, that all changes, quick. Oh yeah, and she speaks a foreign language, I am sure I will never understand, but last night apparently the dinner I cooked was “bussin, bussin” and in teen girl I think that means good, great or fire, but don’t quote me on that. Also, when dealing with teen girls they all seem to have involuntary body movements, they refer to them as TikTok dances (though they do not appear to resemble any dance I have ever seen in my life), however, they show up at any given moment including but not limited to family events, grocery stores, any outings and even the dinner table. For this, I have no known cure. I assume they grow out of it, and you just need to let it run its course like a virus. Only time will tell.

The next teenager is a boy, he also speaks a completely different language, even from the girl, but somehow the teens understand each other. I don’t know what “Yeet” means but I hear Webster has added it to the dictionary, so no fear, us parents can now decipher what the hell the teens are saying. This one, forgets school exists and often uses this time to catch up on much needed naps and anime drawing (I wish I were joking). This type of teen is known for helping me figure out how to use my phone accurately and repairing electronic devices though, so I keep him around. You can usually locate him by simply calling via Alexa to his dungeon he calls a room. He seems to, often, be hypnotized into not understanding a word of English, and in this hypnosis does not have to do general chores, tasks or duties. To combat this simply say, “I’ll shut your wi-fi, phone and games off”, and it snaps him out of the trance, and he will do anything asked.

Oh, the preteen middle children, let us not forget. My 11-year-old daughter is in that awkward puberty stage. She is usually quiet but when asked a question never knows the answer, like ever, or maybe in her language “I don’t know” and eye rolls are code for something else (p.s. slapping said preteen will not prevent her eyes from rolling, apparently, it is not an involuntary condition). Her favorite meals are “I don’t know” and “something good”. She has superhuman strength and out does the boys in that aspect daily, causing chaos between the genders. Her younger brother is just 10 months younger than her, and this is a regular argument they have; I have no idea why. He is involuntarily hilarious but is like Taz on the Looney Tunes. So much energy in one little human. If there is something broken it is likely him. He is however, the one you go to for comforting in any situation. He is my sensitive one and says he needs a hug from mom “at minimum every 4 days”.

 And the final addition to the crew, the 6-year-old, the baby of the group. What a brat, per the usual youngest child. He can be found bugging one of his siblings to participate in their current activities or near his mom begging for snacks. This species of child tends to weigh the least but eat the most. Do not try to figure that out, as mathematically it seems impossible, and yet, here we are. This model of child makes you want to scream into a pillow regularly, but he rounds out the family, and brings a different level of humor to our world, so I haven’t put him up for adoption, just yet.

In a world with so many false friends and negativity, this is my crew, my reason, my life. Welcome to my life.

peace, love and applesauce,

Jill Marie

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