I Cannot Make This Shit Up

So, I know it has been a few weeks. But hear me out, I needed some mental head space. Let me just tell you a little story:

I am up in my room chillin with the youngest son, minding our own business at about 9:45pm one night. Yeah, they should be getting to bed, judge me later. Anyway, what started as a peaceful night turned quickly into an episode of, I Love Lucy and A Series of Unfortunate Events combined.

As, you already know my life is a little crazy and I kinda like it that way, but sometimes I cannot say anything, but I cannot make this shit up, this was one of those nights. So, anyway, my 11-year-old daughter decides she and her sister are hungry and she is going to make some chicken nuggets. Awesome idea and why she did not use the air fryer I will never know, but she preheats the oven.

Now, a little back story, dishes are my oldest job and apparently, she did not finish them and didn’t want to get in trouble so instead of leaving them out she put them in the oven. PLASTIC BOWLS INCLUDED. Ok, so this would have been less of an issue had she told her sister this before she preheated the oven, you see where this is going.

So, 10 minutes go by and from upstairs I hear the oven beep and my daughter go to the kitchen to put the nuggets in the oven. I then hear her very calmly go to her brother’s room and say, “Nick we have a problem”. Another couple back stories here, 1) Nick is our go to, he is 13 and if there is a spider: call Nick, bat: call Nick, cannot put a triple bunk bed together with 3 women: call Nick. Jocelyn my 11-year-old is extremely dramatic but very calm mannered. Like she is all the drama but, in an emergency, has NO SENSE OF URGENCY AT ALL.

So, I am listening to hear what the problem is, and I hear her lead Nick and my oldest Christianna to the kitchen where the girls start yelling what I think is “SPIDER”. I decided I do not care to see the tarantella that must be in my kitchen ( I know I ain’t shit) so I stay upstairs and so does Jacob. Fuck that we don’t want any part of a giant spider. Pretty soon my oldest comes running upstairs “mom, you and Jacob need to get out of the house the kitchen is on fire”.

Now, I am jumping to action (guess they were yelling “fire”) I run down the stairs and send all the kids and dog out to the sidewalk out front the house and run back in. Turns out it is still contained to the oven. I instinctively look around and there is no extinguisher (note to self-buy one dumbass). So, what do I do?! Grab the sprayer from the sink.

I have now grabbed the sprayer and turned on the faucet only to realize that it is broken, and it sprays but also sprays directly back at me through the handle. So, here I am being sprayed in the face and spraying the fire spitting out of my oven as well. With all this water clearly, my floor is now soaked, and I am sliding around still spraying and being sprayed in the face.

I am thinking to myself, this is like a damn I Love Lucy episode. Just when I think things couldn’t get crazier, my neighbor starts to back out of our shared driveway. And just so happens to, look toward my house. We make brief eye contact and I know she is regretting the day my children and I moved in and regretting ever looking right while backing out. You may not watch Tik Tok videos but if you do, you know the one with the song where it says, “and I looked at her, and she looked at me, and I looked at her and she looked at me” Yup that would have been fitting at this moment, me soaked still spraying out a fire, and being sprayed, her an innocent bystander.

Finally, I get the fire out. I was at this point laughing like the joker on a bad trip, because let’s face it, it was amusing at least. I tell the kids to come back in and all is well in the house. The kids begin to clean up the mess and I have ruined my electric stove. I go upstairs to unwind and change my clothes, 15 minutes later here comes Nick “hey mom, guess what I found in the basement”. I look up and in his hand is a fire extinguisher.

I cannot make this shit up.

Check your fire alarms, and extinguishers y’all.

Peace, Love and Applesauce

Jill Marie

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